With apologies to Richard Wagner, who may or may not deserve them.

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Contents

  1. It's Bilbo's Birthday
  2. Who Let the Nine Out?
  3. Striding Man
  4. Khazad-dûm
  5. Lady Galadriel
  6. Parlay All the Time
  7. Mount Orodruin
  8. Round Houses
  9. Frodo
  10. Gandalf

It's Bilbo's Birthday

Sung to the tune of “It's Johnny's Birthday” (copyright © 1970 by George Harrison).

It's Bilbo's birthday,
It's Bilbo's birthday,
And we would like to wish him all the very best.

It's Bilbo's birthday,
It's Bilbo's birthday,
He ought to leave here and go get a good long rest.

On Bilbo's birthday,
On Bilbo's birthday,
Those Sackville-Bagginses will get what they deserve.

It's Bilbo's birthday,
It's Bilbo's birthday,
And you know that Lobelia has a lot of nerve.

Who Let the Nine Out?

Sung to the tune of “Who Let the Dogs Out” as performed by Baha Men (copyright © 1998 by Anslem Douglas)

Who let the Nine out?
(shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
(shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
(shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
(shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

(shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

Well Bag End was nice, Bag End was jumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo),
And everybody havin' a ball (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo).
I tell Sam Gamgee "I'm going to Crickhollow" (Yippie Yi Yo).
And ol' Sam follows me out,
The poor guy slogs on.

Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

I see ya' little elves tromping through our woods.
They want to leave Middle Earth.
Hang out wi' me, talk to me,
Don't run off so quick you shiny guys.

Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

I'm gonna tell (Hey Yippie, Yi, Yo),
Fatty, Pippin, and Merry, my buds (Yippie, Yi, Yo),
Tell the farmer, "Hey Man, we're part of the Shire!" (Yippie, Yi, Yo),
Us in front, poor Fatty stays behind (Yippie, Yi, Yo)
We'll run out now.

Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

Say, an evil lord is nuttin' if he don't have a Ring.
Evil dudes hold ya' ring, all dudes hold it.
An evil lord is nuttin' if he don't have a Ring.
Evil dudes hold ya' ring, all dudes hold it.

Won't wait for y'all, the hunt is on.
I gotta get to Bree to see if Gandalf's there.
Do you see the dude with the blue jacket?
What could you be friend,
That Bombadil man that won't help us out?
Me and my good good friends,
Fell into a barrow, just any barrow,
I'm figurin' these blades will be good and faithful,
'Cause the man of the land said so.
When Orcs see me they doah-ooooo(howl).

Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)
Who let the Nine out? (shriek, shriek, shriek, shriek)

Striding Man

Sung to the tune of “Walking Man” (copyright © 1974 by James Taylor)

Moving in silent desperation,
Keeping an eye on the evil land,
A totally lethal destination,
Say, who is this striding man?

Well, the leaves have come to turning,
And the goose has gone to fly,
And beacons are for burning,
So don't you let that halfling pass you by.
Striding man, striding man strides.
Well, it's time for choosing up sides.
And the striding man strides.

Well, the frost is on the pumpkin,
And the rime is on the rills,
And our little group is rambling on,
Stumbling around lost out in the hills.

And the striding man strides.
Doesn't miss nothing at all.
No other man hopes for Elvish brides,
But the striding man strides on by,
Stride on by.

Almost nobody's got a sword, you know,
That needs to be just like it was long ago, oh no.
So he don't show it to no one.
Oh for sure a piece is missing,
And something is never quite right.
Ah, but who would want to listen to you,
Talking about your kingly might?

Striding man, stride on by my door.
Well, any other man stops and talks.
But not the striding man.
He's the striding man.
Born to stride.
Stride on striding man.
Well now, if he had a crown that shines,
Would he be king?
Golden tines against the sky.
Striding man, stride on by.
So long, striding man, so long.

Khazad-dûm

Sung to the tune of “Desert Moon” (copyright © 1984 by Dennis DeYoung)

“Is this the road to Khazad-dûm?” was all he said,
But I knew I'd heard that halfling's voice before.
I turned to look for pursuit behind, and there it was.
He was chased by 9 Nazgûl,
Hiding in the rocks and holes,
They say someday those guys will fly.

We crossed the River Bruinen, and Frodo, too,
The Nazgûl following close behind,
The trap was triggered, water came flowing through,
And the Nine were washed away,
But you know they will not stay,
They'll be coming back for more.

Those riders black with voices fell,
They chased him down to Rivendell.
They were screamers, scary screamers.
And there we formed the Fellowship,
And set out on our hopeless trip.
We were dreamers, only dreamers,
In Khazad-dûm, in Khazad-dûm,
In Khazad-dûm, Khazad-dûm.

A crossing through the Redhorn Gate was our first plan,
But it was growing quite late in the year.
We talked about going deep beneath the land.
When we were trapped inside,
From the lake creature to hide,
We had to find our way through Khazad-dûm.

Those plunging depths, those clammy walls,
The Endless Stair, the dusky halls,
We were dreamers, only dreamers.
But in their greed they dug too deep,
And woke a bane from timeless sleep,
They were screamers, only screamers
In Khazad-dûm, in Khazad-dûm,
In Khazad-dûm, Khazad-dûm.

I still can hear the echoes in those empty halls,
The noises as we trod upon the floor,
The yelling of the orcs as they saw Gandalf fall,
And the Balrog fell down too.
Oh, I wish it were not true,
The Gray Wizard found his doom.

On Durin's Bridge he faced the bane,
And stopped it there in spite of pain.
We were dreamers, only dreamers.
But from the bridge he fell below,
And where he is we do not know,
We were screamers, only screamers,
In Khazad-dûm, in Khazad-dûm,
In Khazad-dûm, Khazad-dûm.

Lady Galadriel

Sung to the tune of “My Sweet Lady” (copyright © 1971 by John Denver)

Lady, are you scrying? Will you show something to me?
Did you think that Lórien would soon be gone?
Lady, you've been dreaming of the Age that is to be.
I swear to you the Ring will be undone.

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind.
I promise I will venture forth for you.
The slopes of Orodruin I will find.
The cracks are there; I'll throw the Ring right through.

Lady, are you happy? When you see the Three there,
Are there meanings that you've never seen before?
Lady, my elven lady, with your gold and silver hair,
It's like I've never ever seen an elf before.

Close your eyes and rest your weary mind.
I promise I will venture forth for you.
Today you turned away, left the dark behind.
I wish that I could go off to the West with you.

Lady, are you scrying? Will you show something to me?
Did you think that Lórien would soon be gone?
Lady, you've been dreaming of the Age that is to be.
I swear to you the Ring will be undone.

Parlay All the Time

Sung to the tune of “Party All the Time” as performed by Eddie Murphy (copyright © 1985 by Rick James)

Ents, I can't understand it, why you want to hurt me.
After all it's the Orcs who're chopping you.
Saruman is the one who wants to lay waste to the land (lay waste to the land),
Still you talk all night, what're you gonna do?

Those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time.
Those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time.

They parlay all the time (parlay all the time)
They like to parlay all the time (parlay all the time)
Parlay all the time (they like to parlay all the time)
Parlay all the time.

Ents, I've seen you and the trees just hanging out and talking.
You take too long, you don't want to break.
You won't get up and move, go out and do something.
You won't go find your wives for heaven's sake.

No, those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time.
Those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time.

Those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time.
Those Ents want to parlay all the time,
Parlay all the time, yeah.

Parlay.
They like to parlay all the time.
They like to parlay all the time.
Wait, here they go.
Goin' to Isengard,
Goin' to Isen,
Goin' to Isengard.
Parlay all the time.
Do you wanna end this parlay?
Parlay all the time, uh huh.
Parlay all the time.

Mount Orodruin

Sung to the tune of “Fire” (copyright © 1967 by Jimi Hendrix). Note that Orodruin means “fiery mountain” in Sindarin.

Alright!
Now dig this Sauron!
You don't care for me,
I don't care about that.
You want this here ring,
Hah, we'll just see about that.
I have only one burning desire,
Let me stand up on Mount Fire.

[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Hey, let me stand up on Mount Fire
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Oh, let me stand Sauron
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Let me stand
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Yeah Sauron

Listen here, Sauron,
Stop acting so crazy!
You say you lost power,
It ain't my concern.
Just don't mess with me,
And you won't get burned.
I have only one itching desire,
Let me stand up on Mount Fire.

[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Yeah, let me stand up on Mount Fire
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Let me stand
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Oh, Let me stand
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Yeah

Oh, move over Rover,
And let Frodo take over.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah!
Get on with it, Sauron!

That's what I'm talking about.
Now dig this!
Ha!
Now listen, Sauron!
You try to catch me with the Nine,
You better save them, man.
Save them for your rainy day.
I have only one burning desire,
Let me stand up on Mount Fire.
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Oh, let me stand
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Let me stand, Sauron
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] I'm gonna do you some harm
[Let me stand up on Mount Fire] Oh

Yeah!
You better move it Sauron…
I'm gonna hurt you Sauron…

Round Houses

Sung to the tune of “Pink Houses” (copyright © 1983 by John Mellencamp).

There's a white mage with a black heart livin' in Bag End,
He's got the whole Shire under his thumb
You know he thinks that he's got it so good
And there's Wormtongue in the kitchen cleanin' up the evenin' slop
And he looks at him and says, “Hey man, I can remember when
You tried to clock me with a Palantir.”

Oh but ain't that the Shire for you and me
Ain't that the Shire somethin' to see baby
Ain't that the Shire home of Sam Gamgee
Little round houses for you and me.

There's a hobbit at a Bree inn
Listenin' to tales of ruffians
He's got dirty hair; a weary smile
He says, “This must be my destination.
'Cause they told me when I was younger
'Boy, you're gonna have adventures.'
More battles loom; I hope I live long enough
That I have to wear dentures.”

Oh but ain't that the Shire for you and me
Ain't that the Shire somethin' to see baby
Ain't that the Shire home of Sam Gamgee
Little round houses for you and me.

Well they scoured out the Shire
What do you know know know
And old Wormtongue killed Saruman
And died of an overdose of arrow
Ooh yeah
And those mean old Sackville-Bagginses
Well they ain't no big deal
'Cause the simple man baby gets Bag End, my friend,
And Rosie, The End.

Oh but ain't that the Shire for you and me
Ain't that the Shire somethin' to see baby
Ain't that the Shire home of Sam Gamgee
Little round houses for you and me.

Frodo

This is an original composition, not a parody.

The darkened sky oppresses me,
The blackened clouds with streaks of red.
This heavy burden weighs me down,
I plod along as though half dead.

How can I bear this awful load,
Though Sam is here to ease my way?
What hope remains for light and life?
What hope is there for sunlit day?

Yet on I go, for go I must.
This Age’s burden falls to me.
A bitter struggle I must make,
Ere I set sail on Western sea.

Yet I recall why I fight on.
I remember flowers fair,
Lovely gardens, happy folk,
The Gaffer’s face all lined with care.

For though this land be dark and cruel,
Though evil forces bar my road,
I carry in my heart the hope,
That soon I can lay down this load.

Then again will folk be free,
Of darkened beings’ cruel cries,
And soaring eagles once again,
Will venture forth through shining skies.

Yes, on I go, for go I must.
Yet my heart lightens at the thought:
My struggles now are worth the cost,
Of priceless freedom dearly bought.

Gandalf

This is an original composition, not a parody.

Grey I am called, yes, grey I may be.
Grey tidings I bring from across the sea.
From bright Valinor, I was sent to your aid.
Don't give me your money; I don't need to be paid.

For Manwë taught me mercy, Ilúvatar is kind.
Heed my words of warning. Won't you open up your mind?

With bright hidden fire and staff in my hand,
I labor to serve all that is good in this land,
Standing forth boldly 'gainst the evil that sees.
Naught but death waits for he that flees.

For Maiar are the servants of all that's wise and good.
And so I labor ever with might and staff of wood.

This Balrog is mighty, but still I oppose.
I'll cast it down deep where the cold water flows.
Though the stone crumbles and down I fall.
I will not turn from the Valar's strong call.

For though the song is tainted, though hate and rue are rife,
Still I'll serve the Music with all my might and life.

White I am called, yes, white I may be.
White fire I wield in defense of the Tree.
Heed me now, all you Men of this Age:
Stand firm together against Sauron's hot rage.

For though he has great armies and we can scarce defend,
Still Sauron has a weakness that may yet provide his end.

And so I call fiercely, though evil oppose,
Stand to the walls now and cut through your foes.
Gondor again has a Númenorian king,
But our fate lies with a selfless halfling…